I’m Spent

I’m tired, exhausted, and just want to close my eyes. And to top it all off? Both O and I got ourselves infections this week – his bronchial, mine sinus. Both related to our love of allergens (insert sarcasm font here). In short: I’m spent.

Late May signals the end of seasons in our home. End of school slows down my job and totally halts my husband’s (after grades are due, mind you – a deadline we’re both anticipating) and we’ve ended another soccer season for those high school girls that J coaches too.

We’ve run our tails off the last couple months and are ready for a heck of break – which is coming. Summer is a time of reflection and planning for the next year at my job. J kicks into summer soccer mode (which is much more subdued) – and, I hope, restful fishing time too. And our family time becomes rich: playing on the deck in the kiddie pool while daddy grills and mama drinks a glass of wine.

But lately, J and I haven’t been reading our Bible passage together at night. I haven’t been opening my Bible app or reading any of my faith-based books. I haven’t written a blog post in a month. In short: I haven’t made an effort in my relationship with God.

We went to church today for the first time in weeks. (We’ve decided to spend Sunday mornings at home as a family because we’ve all 3 been in the same room for about 3 waking hours total each week.) And today as I listened to a child take a simple proclamation of faith, I felt so emotional. But not out of guilt (pretty sure that’s the first time ever – I tend to let guilt hang when I’m not meeting “expectations”). I felt tears welling up because I was reminded of God. I was reminded that He’s been with us these past couple months. Even when we just put our heads down and survived one-day-after-another, God was there. Even though we were ignoring Him.

And I felt compelled to write. But about what? My mind felt totally blank. All I had were deep breaths (slowly – it helps the oxygen get to my brain and give perspective).  I hadn’t been talking – or listening to God in a while. So I sat and listened. And He told me to read my own damn blog.

So I did. And started to bawl. I mean just ugly cry. (Which are the best kind because I feel so much healthier afterwards – it’s like a renewal of my heart.) I cried about every time God has showed up for our family in the past couple years. I cried through the lessons He has taught me. I rejoiced in writing these stories down because I needed those very personal moments to remind me that we are so cared for. We are so ok. And we’ve got so much more living and struggling to do.

Don’t you sometimes hate how God is always right? I mean, c’mon!! Stop being the Creator and Awesome Manager of Everything! It makes me feel inadequate.

And that’s exactly the point. As my husband would tell me, “He’s in charge. He’s got this. All you have to do is let him.”

So what happened after the ugly cry? I felt physically spent. (Anybody else gotta hydrate after crying?) But emotionally – well, not totally renewed. That is going to take a few sleeping-ins, cups of hot chai, and a screaming O in the swimming pool having the time of his life. But I feel…better. And isn’t that what it’s all about?

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One thought on “I’m Spent

  1. Pingback: That Time God Showed Up | Recovering Martha

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