Reasons Why I Won’t Murder My Husband

You ever get the…urge? You know, to take the axe to him?

Yeah, me neither.

But sometimes I worry about him getting in a car accident or falling out of a tree stand or losing a fight with a burglar, and that’s it. I’d be a widow. I know that sounds morbid and horrible, but it really is my greatest fear. And I think we all can get to that dark place every now and again. I tend to let my mind wander there when J is away from home.

But most of the time I think about how much this man drives me nuts. I love him to pieces. I couldn’t imagine my life without him. But sometimes I just want the whole bed to myself and I’m like, “Why did I get married? Do you remember what it was like to sleep by yourself? O.M.G. That was so, so good.” And I have this deep, twisted thought about how glorious it would be to have some freaking personal space.

But let’s be clear: I don’t plan to murder J. First suspects are always the spouse. And I am not writing this post as a cover-up. Or trying to twist and confuse the detectives into thinking this post isn’t a cover-up when it really is.

If something happens to J, I think first suspects should be the parents of the high school soccer team he coaches. Those adults can be straight up cray-cray. If his murder goes down in spring season, it’s practically a guarantee an angry mom or dad lost it because their kid didn’t get enough playing time. Just sayin’.

So let’s focus on the positive: reasons why I need this man in my life. Reasons why I won’t murder my husband.


Reason #1: I’ve done the math (I mean, not like to the penny, but in general numbers), and the income he can make in his full time teaching position is worth way more than that life insurance policy. Yes, honey, I am a very practical woman in my finances. And I need you to stay alive and keep working for that cash.

Reason #2: He is a damn good cook. And I don’t have to cook often as a result, which is straight up amazing and convenient for me. I like to eat well. And if I don’t have J around, I’ll have to start feeding myself for a change. That sounds…no bueno.

Reason #3: He makes me snort laugh. When we start laughing, we just can’t stop. We typically laugh at the expense of ourselves or lil O (not when he’s in the room, of course). Or when we’re not stressed, or taking care of a kid, or <insert all the other things that happen during my 24 hour day here>.

Reason #4: I need him to reach tall things.

Ok, that is a total joke just for J because he always says I only keep him around for a couple things, like reaching high things and lifting heavy objects. And I always laugh. But it’s true. I’m a short 5’3” and he’s a tall 6’2”. It’s a nice perk of having a tall, dark and handsome in my life.

Reason #5: I’m so incredibly in love with this sexy man who loves me unconditionally.

I struggle to like him all the time (because I’m a crazy perfectionist with issues – and no one matches my unrealistic standards), but I always come back to how much I need him. I look at him and am reminded of the man who selflessly helped me with Calculus and Biology in college. The man who, junior year, got his four music major roommates to sing a Valentine’s Day tune to my seven roommates.

He has always gone above and beyond to bring me happiness. What an incredible feeling to be delighted in so deeply.

You’ve given me many reasons to be thankful for our life together, J. Consider yourself “safe” from any foul play, honey. And here’s to many more years together.



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